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The Bluffer's Guide to Cheese |
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No, not the fromage variety, but the staple diet of mobile discos everywhere. I'm talking Abba, Wham, Hi Ho Silver Lining, and pretty much everything produced in the 80s. Cheese is the type of music that polarises opinion: you either love it or hate it. Or you have an overdeveloped sense of irony and fall somewhere directly in the middle. Whatever, this is the guide to lead you through the curds and whey of the world's best/worst party anthems. |
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Like so many of life's evils (traffic wardens, peas and Darius from Popstars), cheese is a necessary commodity. If we didn't have cheese, everything would be serious: Family parties would be soundtracked by Radiohead and wedding receptions would involve dancing to Jeff Buckley instead of Jeff Beck. While this may initially seem preferable, the long-term effects of seeing a drunken uncle strut his stuff to The Velvet Underground's Heroin do not bear thinking about. Besides, what would the happy people listen to? If we forced The Smiths on every one of life's eternal optimists, they might become insufferably miserable like the rest of us. And this in turn might cause the collapse of Britain's economy - DJs, TV presenters and pop stars would go out of business as no one would want to be cheered up, pessimism would take hold and eventually everyone will spend all their days hiding in dank bedsits shunning all human contact - unlikely, but again a risk not worth taking. Lets face it, the bottom line is we need something to dance to when we're drunk, and at least the risk of looking stupid while dancing to It's Raining Men is far less than that when shaking your stuff to DJ Obscure's latest drum 'n' bass offering. And for this reason alone, cheese has a worthy place in our society. |
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There is no definitive formula for the ultimate cheesy record. Although a good tune and camp leanings help, the status of true camembert can only be gained through repeated playings by mobile DJs over a sufficient enough period of time that your record becomes well known by at least three generations. Some bands are defined by their cheesy status: Wham, for example, mainly by connotations with bad dress sense and worse haircuts, or Steps, with a laudably cheesy recording debut featuring a troop of line-dancers. But it should be noted that most cheesy artists are recognised only for one cheesy record. It takes dedication and a helping hand from Pete Waterman to proliferate such music. It is also a known fact that a record is 70% more likely to be cheesy if it was written and/or released during the 1980s, but this should not discourage any modern writers and singers hoping to enter the cheese hall of fame. Just look at the likes of Geri and Five for proof that the ability to make a good cheesy record did not die out with the mullet haircut. |
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Part 1: A cheesy record is usually recognised by the following responses from cheese-lovers and/or drunken revellers: a) An undignified desire to dance. b) An equally undignified desire to dance with anyone and everyone on the dance floor. At the same time. c) An even more undignified, and frankly despicable desire to sing loudly and out of tune in the ears of everyone on the dance floor. While dancing. Badly. Part 2: A cheese fan is often recognised through the following snatch of overheard dialogue: Cheese fan: (On hearing strains of Abba/Wham/SClub7/etc) "Ooh I love this song!"Non-cheese fan: "Hmm" Cheese fan: "Come and dance" Non-cheese fan: "No" Cheese fan: "Come and Dance!" Non-cheese fan: "No" Cheese fan: "COME AND DANCE!" Non-cheese fan: "NO" Cheese fan leaves in direction of dance floor. Non-cheese fan adopts pained expression and heads for the bar. |
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While it is nigh on impossible to completely avoid cheese and its insidious influences, those who are desperate to obliterate such music from their lives should stay away from the following using whatever means possible: 1) Local discos, particularly those held in youth clubs 2) School/college organised social events (Year 7 disco, school ball, 12hr karaoke marathon (or was that just my school?)) 3) Works dos (you'll only end up dancing to I Think We're Alone Now with Clive from accounts, and you know it) 4) Saturday night telly, especially anything featuring the evil showbiz three (Dale Winton, Michael Barrymore and (shiver) Jim Davidson) 5) Any pub or club nights involving the word "Happy" (Except "Happy Hour". That's usually a good thing) And finally: Never ever attend any family parties/weddings/reunions. Under any circumstances. Ever. |
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Recommended listening for the unperturbed: |
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Wham |
Wake Me Up Before You Go Go |
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The Communards |
Don't Leave Me This Way (featuring the best chorus build-up ever) |
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Weather Girls |
It's Raining Men (ironically guaranteed to remove all males from the dance floor) |
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Abba |
Mamma Mia (extra cheese points if listening to the Steps version) |
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Stealers Wheel |
Stuck In The Middle With You (not strictly cheesy, but great anyway) |
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Oh, and anything, ahem, ANYTHING from Grease |
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Hobgoblin sincerely apologises for the excessive use of cheese puns in this article. We are very sorry. |